always tired now

i can't really focus long enough to write anything substantial. i got a translated french novel from a friend that i started reading yesterday (original title Ensemble, c'est tout from 2005), by anna gavalda. (there's a movie too, but i haven't seen it.) so far i really like it but i sense a possible anxiety-ridden journey with this book. possibly mine. possibly camille's. there's something very french about it, and while it's seductive it's also neurotic. and i get so affected.

i've been really stressed lately, lots of headaches, stiff muscles and messy dreams, so maybe it's not the best of ideas. i want to get better, not worse. i had to put down paul auster's new york trilogy a few weeks ago cos it was so disturbing i got anxious just thinking about continuing reading it. it's brilliant but i'm way too unstable for it right now. i need to read something safe. maybe i should just re-read some of my less angsty favorites for a while. like hitchhiker's guide or something.

still august

now i'm on season 5. or at least i should be, could i find it. so make that season 6. i'm also about to start reading paul auster's the brooklyn follies, so soon i'll know nyc from within without even having been there. comforting thought.

i'm out of words. i'm sorry.

august

if you need me, i'll probably be on my couch, dressed in what was closest to my bed, watching season 2 episodes of law & order and maybe answering the phone if it rings.

also, i think my right ear might be infected. it sucks.

a.m. notes

i baked. a tried a new recipe. hybrid rye and wheat buns. they turned out great, and delicious! especially with cheese and marmalade. so i had my midnight snack and was supposed to go to bed after that, but, well. here we are.

read about the bechdel rule today, on bitch ph.d. it goes like this;

The rule is that movies should have 1) at least two women, 2) who talk to each other, 3) about something other than a man.

sounds like a good useful instrument to make gender stereotyping and the practice to marginalize women clearer. cos you think, hey, of course a lot of movies will pass this rule. yeah, well, try it and you'll see. really, it's ridiculous. we're in the 21st century and it's not a given that two women in a movie actually talk to each other about something other than men.

i did see one film that passes the rule this weekend, the hours. i don't know why i haven't seen it before, i've even had the dvd sitting on my shelf for at least six months, but no. however, it was awesome! i loved it. beautiful, depressing - i mean in a good way, actually taking depression and being suicidal seriously - great characters. i haven't read enough of virginia woolf, i should really do that. also, nicole kidman's acting is awesome, i mean the acting over all in this film is great, but nicole's is just mind-blowing. she's SO good.

i got a package of ordered cds today, from the swedish a west side fabrication label. a great indie label! last week when i got into a nostalgic mood after buying and listening to this compilation from the label, i realized i was in love with backfish and so i ordered what the label had by them. good idea, cos all of it was really good! and i also have a crush on the label's mail-order now cos besides being quick and not expensive they sent me 5 singles extra, for free! all 5 was by other small bands from the same period as what i had ordered, so rather than just sending promotional stuff by their new bands (which i guess some label do) they must have thought "she seems to like the 90s, let's give her more 90s and maybe she'll like it too and order more!". and what do you know, i think it worked. i will definitely order more from them.

give it a listen! here's backfish's video fashion mania, not one of their better songs from what i think. there're also a few listenable pieces here.

now i'm waiting for the other packages to arrive, with even more new music. at least for my ears. i can't wait! i want it now!

the fantasy of

i just read an awesome post called the fantasy of being thin, about how the idea of dieting and getting thin is not only about what you weight but how much more fun and great life would be if you were thin. about how depression, failing relationships and other big issues (in everybody's life) are somehow tied to the fact that you are fat and if only you were thin it would go away.

it's a great read and the psychological thinking behind it is really adaptable to other destructive thinking, such as my own fantasy, which i guess i could call the fantasy of being awesome and handling everything. which, i have to say, is really fucking up my recovering from this stress exhaustion thing. but that's for another post.